Working within those rules, Allie posted something vague about her situation. “Essentially, I wanted to find out how much of an idiot I’d been, so to speak, and whether this person was prolific and endangering other people or not. My main concern at that point was the safety of other women.”
There were a few back and forths with other commenters, but nothing Allie was able to verify. When her partner later gave her the names of all the people he’d slept with, she recognised some of them from the comments – but her activity in the group stopped there. She already had the confirmation she was looking for. “When your reality blows up in your face, it’s very isolating,” she says. “You don’t know whether you’re over or underreacting. I think the group served as a reminder to trust my instincts – the fact that this sort of thing is prolific doesn’t mean you’re crazy, it means the other person is shitty.”
More anonymous corners of the internet, such as Reddit, focus on the ethical questions, such as does sharing people’s dating profiles, private messages and photos without consent count as doxing?
is a big topic on TikTok. Searching the term will bring up everything from videos of British women warning of karma and comeuppance set to a dancehall track, to a US standup joking about posing as a woman in his local group to get an honest review of himself. And how would we feel if the genders were reversed?
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To gender-flip the issue would obfuscate the reality of who’s most at risk, but there’s no question that groups of men posting details about women would be far more controversial. Indeed, Glamour reported in that when a male-centric New York group called Are We Dating the Same Girl? emerged, using the same community guidelines, it was promptly condemned by the original group. There is now no trace of it on Facebook.
How does instant access to this kind of information impact our wellbeing and approach to intimacy in the long-term? “I know loads of women who have joined these kissbrides.com neuvoja groups and are permanently affected by the distrust,” Allie says. “It’s made them – and me – a lot colder going into interactions with new people. I’m sceptical of everything. It can go too far, and you need to remind yourself that you shouldn’t have to do this with people.”
One thing the Are We Dating the Same Guy? phenomenon clearly demonstrates is the sense of disappointment and dehumanisation that can come with dating today. “I think infidelity is rife because dating apps promote a discardable view of people, and a ‘grass is always greener’ mentality,” Allie says.
As it stands, all of the groups serve women dating men
Against that backdrop, Are We Dating the Same Guy? groups can offer a sense of camaraderie in a confusing and often lonely landscape. There are just as many posts thanking other women for their support and trying to organise Galentine’s meet-ups as there are horror stories and red flag emojis. “I see the groups as more of a chat platform,” Allie says. Even though it wasn’t able to prevent the situation she found herself in, the group provided a “small sense of comfort” at a time when she felt “betrayed” and “silly”.
